IRVINE, CALIFORNIA— It was a sad day for Jeremy Smith as he had to come to grips with the sad reality that he couldn’t have sex with his new video game, Diablo III, recently released by video gaming company Blizzard Entertainment. The shock came to Jeremy soon after returning home from his local GameStop (a ‘video game boutique’) with the gaming disk earlier this morning, having visited the store for their ‘midnight release party,’ a gathering of nerds after the sun has gone down and all the reasonable people of the area had gone to bed, waiting to buy the game later on in the day like any other sane person.
“I just didn’t know what to do. It can’t cook, clean, or even say how awesome I am. I think the worst part of everything was that I had already opened the packaging, so I couldn’t return it and get a refund so I could afford a hooker to at least act like she cared. The game is useless, but it makes a very good coaster for my Mountain Dew,” Jeremy was quoted as saying.
The Daily Towel visited the same GameStop that Jeremy had visited the night before, this time at a more reasonable hour, where we found that GameStop still had plenty of Diablo III products for sale to unsuspecting gamers and mothers who think Diablo III is about vanquishing the Devil to save the Bible from falling into the hands of the wrong people.
While interviewing store employee Todd Richardson, who says he doesn’t play video games, he just works there to pick up chicks, Todd was quoted as saying “Look, if people don’t want to do the research for this kind of stuff then it sucks for them. They can be like ‘normal’ people and get girlfriends to do s—t for them. If you’ll excuse me, I need to harass this chick. Maybe she came here to talk to me and not buy something.”
As a warning for our fellow readers, no, you cannot have sex with the disk. Our resident gamer warned that ‘sticking your d—k into the little hole of the disk is abad idea.”
Blizzard was unavailable for comment.